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By Dr. Jeanette Raymond 
The fantasy of warm, exciting but familiar sex had been shattered. The carefully planned romantic dinner topped off with sex had been destroyed. Dan’s wife fussed about the restaurant, killing his desire. Like an awkward stranger riding home in the same car with Cherie, Dan let out long frequent sighs of exasperated frustration. Indignation boiled up inside him, but he didn’t say a word. Back home every noisy exaggerated movement was calculated to highlight his sense of martyrdom.
The Unforgiving Anger
Weary of the tension between them Cherie cuddled up to Dan in bed that night. She wanted to feel close to her husband again. Sex was the best way of making up, feeling good and repairing the breech. The foreplay began with Cherie stroking and kissing Dan in all the places she knew that turned him on. Dan moved away. He didn’t want to forgive her that easily.
Resentment Results in Impotence
In the next two weeks Dan’s mood softened and he found himself wanting sex badly. He was irritable, short tempered and tired of his self-imposed celibacy. He found himself getting instantly aroused at work when female colleagues were near by. He was consumed with the thought of sex, preventing him from concentrating on work. It was time to resume having sex with his wife. Exciting and erotic images of sex with Cherie culminated in him taking the initiative one night. Her eager response was instantly arousing. No more foreplay was necessary. He was ready for intercourse. But just at the crucial moment, he went limp.
How Fury Led To Erectile Dysfunction
When Dan got mad at Cherie for not appreciating his efforts, and for ignoring his needs, he had to survive an attack on his self image. The best way to bolster his sense of self-worth was to get angry. That made him feel righteous and entitled to deprive her of sex. Resentment towards Cherie turned into a need for vengeance. The need to punish her killed off feelings of sexual desire.
Days later when he had recovered from the rejection, Dan’s sexual desires returned. But the sexual circuitry in his body wasn’t ready to risk being vulnerable with the person who had badly wounded him only a couple of weeks ago. Danger signals were being sent to his body preventing Dan from having an erection. His mind and body were on different rhythmic schedules.
Four Steps For Dan To Disconnect His Anger From Sexual Performance
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Write down the unspoken contract he made with Cherie in his mind. It may say something like "You
will enjoy and appreciate my way of pleasing you at the time of
my choosing." Seeing this expectation in black and white gives Dan a chance to become aware of what he is demanding and whether it is realistic.
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Dan should consider who he is trying to please. If he truly wants to please Cherie, he would do better to plan around her mood, and offer gifts when she is receptive, rather than trying to manipulate her emotions to suit his needs. Paradoxically, he would then feel good because she responded well. If he is trying to please himself then he is setting himself up for disappointment because he cannot predict and control Cherie’s reactions.
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Dan needs to decide whether he wants a puppet or a partner. If Dan is resentful and irritated, his frustration puts him into control mode. At those moments he will want Cherie to be his puppet. He will get furious when he cannot control the puppet, making him impotent.
If he feels concern and empathy with Cherie, he wants a partner. He is in tune with Cherie and enjoys her genuine pleasure when they do things together. He’s more flexible, timing his gifts for maximum effect. Intimacy will be enhanced and his sexual apparatus will feel safe enough to do it’s job when he asks it to perform.
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Dan needs to share his expectations and disappointments with Cherie. Conversing with Cherie about her needs and preferences gives her the message that Dan cares as much about her pleasure as his own. Dan will no longer have to chose between pleasing himself or Cherie. Nor will he have to meet his own sexual needs by impressing her with fancy dinners or expensive gifts. Mutual enjoyment of sex begins and depends on an ever constant conversation about each other. The flow of words translates into a flow of sexual intimacy. Affection increases and leads to a more natural sex life. Instead of sex being used to score points, punish, or mend fences, it signifies love, admiration and attraction for one another. Choosing a partner over a puppet allows Dan’s body to be ready anytime he wants!
About the Author...
Dr. Jeanette Raymond is a licensed psychologist in Los Angeles. She specializes helping you manage your anger so that it doesn't sabotage your relationships. She helps you become aware of how anger can come out in your body and affect your physical, sexual and psychological health. Find out more at http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com Last Update: 5/2/2009
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