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Get Out of Your Own Way - Tips on Becoming a Success

» Mental Health Library » Featured Articles

By: Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ever wonder why the all pervasive hot tips on becoming rich, successful and desirable never work for you? It may be because you donít have the relationship with yourself that sets the stage for success. The most valuable tool you possess is the connection you have with your rational adult self, and that with your wishful, magical child self. When they work together the sky is the limit. When they each pretend the other doesnít exist, you end up stuck and marking time. The example of Tracy below indicates how poor communication between the two selves limits her path to achieving her dreams.

Tracy longs to be acknowledged and looked up to for being an achiever. She wants to be desirable to men and have a relationship that she can rely on. She would like to get a college degree and earn lots of money. Whenever she finds someone who shows an interest in her, or an opportunity for a well paying challenging job she turns it into something distasteful. As soon as the possibility presents itself for her to get what she wants, she throws away the gift by not showing up, and disrespecting the gift givers. She kills off her desire the moment it becomes a real prospect, denying herself her dreams. She feels powerful when controlling her needs, but this is temporary. Very soon she is bemoaning her unsatisfactory life and envious of those who are successful.

It takes both the childís excitement and zest for life to create wishes and visions for your life, and the adult to make it a reality. Both operate within you. Those like Tracy who self-sabotage, operate by splitting the child and adult parts into two warring camps. The adult conducts life in order to survive by achieving the basic minimum for that purpose - satisfactory interpersonal skills, high school diploma, and a respectable if mediocre job. The child is blind to the ways and means for success. For to be aware would mean taking responsibility and acting on it. That often stirs up the terror of having to go through life alone. The internal dialogue of the blind part goes something like this, "if I can manage my life and take care of things, I will not need anyone, and therefore I will not have any excuse for seeking out attachments. I cannot survive alone, so it is better not to be grown up and responsible."

Apparent advantages in keeping the adult and child part of you separate

  • Killing off your desires means killing off yourself - so no need to make an effort

  • You convince yourself that you are strong and need nothing and nobody

  • You avoid the risks of attempting new things, failing and being disappointed

  • You have someone else to blame when things go wrong

  • You can legitimately ask to be taken care of in ways that work for you

Disadvantages of keeping the child and adult part of you separate

  • You feel empty and unsatisfied

  • You use temporary means to quell the emptiness like food, sex, substances, to no avail.

  • You go through life blind to your own power

  • You deprive yourself of what you most want, and feel a failure

  • You are miserable, envious of others and angry when that child part of you isnít taken care of.

  • People donít take care of you for very long, and you do end up alone

Tips on Becoming Your Own Success Story

  • Begin a supportive dialogue between the child and adult parts of yourself

  • Accept that you have both these parts, good and bad and that the sum of all the parts is the greatest, strongest and best hope you have for being successful.

  • Give yourself permission to meet your own needs. If you take care of yourself, others will be attracted to you and be willing to partner with you in that process.

  • Learn the art of asking for what you want, rather than expecting others to know and magically provide it for you.

  • You are the author of your own biography. Begin to write it by relating to yourself as an ally and not an enemy from whom you need protection.

About the Author...

Dr. Jeanette Raymond is a licensed psychologist and psychotherapist. She has a doctorate in clinical psychology and a masters degree in child, adolescent and educational psychology. She has 20 years experience working with adults, couples, adolescents, children and families. She is the author of 2 books for teachers in the UK.

Dr. Raymond believes that the most important relationship you have is with yourself. She sets the stage for you to begin taking care of your most precious gift and ally - yourself. When you can do that, all else falls into place.

Her specialties include distress that shows itself in the body, feeling unsatisfied and unfulfilled, fear of intimacy and loss, anxiety, eating disorders, and self-sabotage. If you mask your unhappiness with food, alcohol, drugs, or sex you abandon yourself. If you try to control it by working all hours, with excessive exercise, being busy, cleaning, and over-achieving you are ignoring yourself. Dr. Raymond helps you speak the turmoil that makes you want to go numb, and helps you find the fertile soil to plant your true seeds and flourish.

Dr. Raymond helps parents and children understand one another, and provides adult couples with a platform for having their conversations out loud rather than silently in their individual heads.

Dr. Raymond runs groups and conducts workshops on dream interpretation. She enables individuals to find their voice so that their bodies don't have to speak with back pain, gastric complaints, hair loss, skin breakouts, panic attacks and sleep disturbances. While emotional wounds can debilitate and prevent you from living a full life, Dr. Raymond collaborates with couples, family members and individuals to gain strength from it. She offers the opportunity to rewrite the internal dialogue that may be self-sabotaging and putting obstacles in the way of having meaningful relationships. She honors you and teaches you to honor yourself in a non-threatening environment, allowing you to unfold.

Click here to contact or learn more about Jeanette Raymond

Last Update: 5/3/2008



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