What happens when you lose “that loving feeling”?
In any relationship the fires of passion ebb and flow over time with the stresses of work, children, and other life obligations. Yet more and more couples are presenting with concerns about low or no desire within their relationships. Studies show that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 7 men report inhibited desire issues within their relationship. This is an issue that affects more than 50 percent of couples. Some researchers are currently working on medications to address this issue; however for most clients' desire issues are much more multi-faceted than a single medication can cure.
Most clients who present with desire issues have experienced healthy sexual desire for their partners in the past so would be considered to be dealing with secondary loss of desire. It is common for the high desire partner to want to send their spouse in for treatment to "be fixed". In reality, desire issues are a couples issue on that needs both partners involved in treatment in order to be truly effective. One of the issues to educate clients is what is considered to be a low or no sex relationship. A no sex relationship is when there a couple engages in sexual activity less than ten times in a year, while a low sex relationship would be less than 20 times a year.
When working with couples there are many issues to examine that may be contributing to the low desire issues. Accurate sex education is lacking for many adults in our culture and many do not understand the basics of the sexual response cycle or how sexuality evolves over the life cycle. It is also important to get a strong family history to understand the dynamics within the family of origin for each partner and what lessons about sexuality they learned from their parents, culture, as well as personal life experiences.
Other important factors include any history of sexual abuse, sexual co-dependency, emotional issues such as anger, guilt, anxiety, inhibitions, shame, and obsessions and compulsions. Physical issues cannot be ignored. While few clients actually have a hormonal imbalance causing their loss of desire it is still important to have levels checked with a physician. Other physical factors include excessive stress, diet and exercise, and medication side effects.
Finally sexual functioning issues in both men and women need to be addressed. Issues such as erectile dysfunction, rapid or inhibited ejaculation for men as well as orgasm, arousal, or pain issues for women may often be playing a significant role in a partner's loss of desire issues.
When working with couples it is important to encourage them to reconnect on an emotionally intimate level again before embarking on the physical level. Taking them back to basics with Masters and Johnson's Sensate Focus exercises as well as helping them to create a language to discuss sexual issues are beginning steps towards discovering the roots behind the loss of desire within their relationship.
Rhoda Lipscomb, MSC, DAACS
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